Mort's Little Bits of Wisdom...

Never underestimate the worth of spending an entire day watching nothing but "Meet The Ancesters", "Scrapheap Challenge", "Top Gear" and "Time Team".
This is why Sundays were invented.

"Man shall do no work on Sundays, Man shall lie on his Sofa and ignore his mobile phone, so long as he has tea to sustain him." Mort, 2005

O.k. so half of these programmes should only be safely viewed by either by those:

a) Over the age of 60.
or;
b) who wear pattern-knit jumpers on a day-to-day basis, and drink Horlicks regularly.

But i find these types of things rather interesting. Even at the ripe ol' age of 26. You still laughing? Oh Pi*s off then!

Snow, amongst other things.

So we got some snow on Friday, cool. I love snow, it certainly hammers home the realisation that Christmas is just around the corner, and generally makes everything look a bit nicer. Maybe that's because Scarborough (and all the other crappy towns of this beloved kingdom) turn from Littered-Grey to pristine white.
Trouble is, being on the coast means that the snow doesn't hang about for long, mostly due to the sea-air having too much salt in it. So the snow promply disintergrated by Friday evening, which was a shame because I wanted Cameron to experience his first taste (Not literally) of snow.
I also wanted to go sledging, he he he.
Last year we were pretty lucky, as we got our usual New-Year blizzard in about Jan/Feb and it stuck about for around 3/4 days, and was reasonably deep in places. Me and a few friends decided to go sledging as we'd spotted a few good places the year before. Towards the end of the day we were walking back across the top of North Bay (Behind the Alexandria Bowls centre for those familiar with Scarborough) when i decided to have one last, suicidal tabogan run. So with no form of warning to my friends, what-so-ever, I dived over the cliff. Imagine the scene, the cliff itself consists of a good 45ft high, very very very steep grassy cliff, this runs down to flat-ish plateau about 25ft wide, followed by a second drop, about 15ft high which falls on to some more grass criss-crossed by paths, followed by the road.

Ooops, Big Mistake....

...Is what I thought as I screamed down the cliff at approximately mach 3.5, partially due to the speed I found myself travelling at, but more importantly that I was rapidly approaching the bottom of the first slope, and the blissfully oblivious couple who were walking upon it.
Luckily (depending on your idea of luck) i missed them both, (although if you were the Man who looked like he suffered a coronary as a result, I apologise now...) and continued my death-ride across the flat towards the second drop.
Now it was at this point that I realised what little planning I had carried out before this escapde. Being partially aware of the law of physics, I now recognised that i was about to become air-bourne, and that things were going to get a bit painful. Very soon too.
Sure enough i hit the lip of the 2nd drop. Whilst my sledge continued down the hill, I continued through the air, flailing wildly before smashing down to earth just short of the road. On my arse. This hurt quite substantially really.

Another Comedy Weekend

Well, another week down, another weekend full of comedy stories. It looks as though choosing not to go out after work on Saturday may have well saved my life. Although saying that, imminent death stalks me at every corner...

It all started when...

........a few weeks ago i made the critical error of sleeping with someone from work (Yeah, O.K big I-told-you-so's coming from Flora, Nettie, et al..) whilst heavily under the influence of that most famous of mind-ruiners: Jacky D. Now contrary to every piece of sanity I can ever muster, I "docked" at said "Port", again a week or so later, once again, under the influence of alcohol.
At the same time as this I had been flirting (innocently, of course) with another young lady from the same building (you can see where this is heading, right?).
Now this weekend saw the marriage of the boss of the department that BOTH these lasses work in, and so they were all out merrily celebrating the reception to the wedding. Unfortunately (genuinely unbeknown to me) Lass # 2 (flirt-girl) as I shall refer to the 2nd woman, asked Lass # 1 (the one i had slept with) if it was (and I quote): "O.K if she went into town to meet Martin" because, as she eloquently put it, "wants to f**k him". Well as you can imagine, this caused a little scuffle.

I got my lift to work this morning....

.....whilst being given a dramatic reconstruction of the aforementioned events (I was at work at the time, and went home afterwards to enjoy a DVD, was not aware of all this talk of being sh**ged!). Apparently my (wasted) boss had to step in to pry the Harpies apart.

Am I proud of my actions?

NO, not really.

Is it big or clever having two grown women fight over you?

Most definately it is!

Still Batman Begins was good...!

More Annoying Bar-Customer Stuff.

Wow. Previous levels of stupidity have been surpassed....

Example 1:

"Do you have any I.D, i'm sorry to ask it's just that the police are really cracking down in this area and I want to be cautious and not get a £3000 fine"

response "Ugggh, no, I don't carry I.D coz i'm 19 (I hope some of you found that comment as rediculous as i did) anyway (points to fat old woman at back of group) that's me Mam, so she'll tell you i'm 19."

Great, well now if she can just PROVE to me that youare 19, oh forget it.....

Example 2:

Girl walks into bar (no this is not a crap joke ending in "Ouch") with about 8 mates. She is wearing a big badge which proclaims to all that she is "18" We ask her for i.d, she does the obligatory rummage through handbag & purse (why do ALL people who have been I.Ded do this when they know full well that they have NO I.D?) before proclaiming "I haven't got any sorry, but i've got this! (Points at said badge).
Right, so has this badge been officially issued by the government? No? Bugger off then....

Another Day, Another Year Older

So yesterday I was 26, pretty funky, huh?

You see i exist in that middle ground between those people who constantly worry about their age, and those that don't care. Sometimes i do actually panic that the last 8 years of my life seem to have whizzed by at substantial pace, but most of the time I don't really care. For instance i'd pretty much forgotten it was my birthday up until the day before!

The trouble is, now i am the wrong side of 25. Officially i can no longer refer to myself as young. I have to act as an adult (or at least people expect me to, yeah right). And I have found myself losing patience with anyone under the age of 18. Yup, that's right i now hate teenagers. O.k. to be fair I have hated teenagers since about 2002, but now my hatred has increased dramatically. Now i know that we all used to be teens, but is it me or are they getting worse? I think i finally recognised the moment that i turned into my Dad, it was two nights ago. I was sat watching Magnum in the front room, it was about half-eight at night, when suddenly I could hear some little tossers arguing in that oh-so-cultured tongue of Scarborough-Chav (Think cross between Mancunian and Neolithic Man). At first I wasn't particularly bothered but they persisted and it was loud, so i looked out the window to see three teen-scumbags perched on my front-garden wall sharing a fag and a can of Carling. "Right" I thought, "I hope you've not got comfy you little twats" and so off I went to the front door to tell them to piss off.

And so my gradual progressive transformation into a middle-aged man continues.....

Everyday feels like a Monday....

Yeah, I know, they are not the correct lyrics, but I don't think Morrisey is going to be suing me just yet...

The Weekend...

I didn't really do a great deal this weekend. Cameron's teeth were playing up on Friday night so I didn't get much sleep, he was upset all day on Saturday too, and wasn't eating mounds & mounds like he usually does, so I was a little concerned. Ended up falling asleep on the sofa with Cammy asleep upon my chest (cue cutesey "aaah's" from all female readers). Got woken up by his mother calling to see if i could meet her in town to drop Cameron off, trouble was when I got there her phone battery had died so I had to parade up and down the centre of town in the freezing rain looking for her.

(In situations like this I would have preferred to be looking for a man. No offence ladies but we tend to think in a more logical manner. If the role had been reversed I would have stood somewhere where the prospective 'finder' could have seen me easily i.e. in the middle of the street, by the big shopping centre. Where did my ex-partner stand? In a crowd of children, outside a random shop. Great.)

My Boys Did The Business...

Nice little away win for Bristol Rovers in the F.A cup. Yes, I support a team in the English 3rd division. No, I don't really care about the Premiership. In fact it's quite refreshing to me because I can take a abjective point-of-view when the arguments start to fly in the canteen following the weekend's Premiership matches. Still annoys me that so many of my work colleagues 'support' teams such as Manchester Utd, when they've never even visited the city, let alone spent any portion of their lives living there.

Pub, Glorious Pub...

No interesting tale sthis week folks, work was dead on Saturday night so went home early.

Drama of the weekend..

The remote control to our Free-view box packed-up on Saturday morning. Now something as trivial as this shouldn't have affected me in all honesty, but after 2 months of getting used to having about 20 (steady) channels to flick through, I was mortified at the prospect of having to watch Council Tele! (Okay, I admit that all I really missed was the history channel.)

Some people stand in the darkness, afraid to come into the light...

I don't feel too good today. I went out for a wroks do last night and didn't get in until 5am. Enough said I think.

On a lighter note I seem to have the theme tune from Baywatch stuck in my head. Great.